The other day I was working on a project. I felt a little frustrated and confused about the next step, and so I stopped to take a breath. In that moment I realized that I was trying to make this project perfect – that I didn’t want to mess it up. Instead of acknowledging all that I had already done – all that was good with it – all the effort I'd put into, I was focusing on what was missing: comparing my work to what colleagues were doing, looking for guidance from some outside source, relying on something other than my own instinct and wisdom to guide me. I kept searching, sure that something “more and better” was out there. I couldn’t let go of that drive to look, to compare, to judge, to doubt.

The yoga sutras share a teaching – that of abhyasa and vairagya.

Abhyasa is applying ourselves fully – essentially showing up and doing the work - doing what you can, as fully as you can. Vairagya is detachment – letting go. So, we do what we can as best as we can, trust that it is enough and let it go.

I realized I feel pretty competent at the abhyasa part. I practice my asana every day and incorporate small meditations and my reiki practice into my life almost daily as well. I bring myself fully to every project, like I did with this particular project. I show up consistently with focus and enthusiasm. But, the letting go is the hard part for me, as shown by the story above.

Just when I think I’ve understood the concept of letting go and feel able to let go of something (a project, a situation, a conversation, a challenge, a failure, my own self-doubt and criticism, even a success) something always happens that challenges my belief that I can and have let go. I start to see that I am really not done embodying that teaching. Somewhere deep down I’m still holding on to all of the stuff. It’s just lurking in the corners, waiting for the perfect time to jump out and surprise me.

And while I’m not sure how best to work on the letting go aspect, I’m trying to look at it through the lenses of practice and compassion; to keep noticing those moments when something from the past wants to come out and get me and to acknowledge those moments with kindness, friendliness and compassion and invite them to fade, even a little.

Just like our yoga asana is a practice where there’s never a point when a pose is perfected or done, letting go is a practice too. We just have to keep showing up to do the work, while growing, exploring and learning.

Here’s quote that I’ve been sharing in my classes this week – I hope you enjoy it and find it useful!

Letting go is the hardest asana.
Living your yoga: Life is about letting go: of every exhalation, of the day as we fall asleep, of our children as they grow up and leave home. When we resist letting go, we are resisting the flow of life itself. What can you let go of right now? (from Judith Lasater’s A Year of Living Your Yoga)

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