It’s so interesting…to me anyway…
Since last August, when Jonathan started his new job and I became full-time-dog-and-baby wrangler, I’ve been dreaming about what life would be like once June arrived and Jonathan would be done with school: the extra pair of hands to help around the house; another person to share the dog walking and toddler play sessions; another adult to talk to and confer with; someone else who could be in charge so I could focus on my work. Oh this was going to be so great – I couldn’t wait!!
So…June 25th came…finally – Jonathan’s last day of school – yay!!! Freedom is just around the corner. And June 26th arrived – his first day home and he was ready to go – ready to take to Maddie to school, ready to take the dogs for a walk, ready to make dinner, ready to bring the car to be serviced. How great, right? You’d think I’d have been jumping for joy or doing a jig. Instead, I felt myself clam up and get really tight. Suddenly the schedule I’d created for the past 9+ months and the world I’d lived in as a result of that schedule were being threatened and tampered with. I was in “high-alert protective mode.” I’ll walk the dogs, I’ll get Maddie to school, I’ll get the laundry going…(those are my jobs!!)
It’s so interesting that that was my reaction. The minute my dream became reality, I wanted to shoot it down. I so wanted and needed to protect my schedule, my order, despite its rigidity. It’s the thing that gave me structure and security over these past many months. I created it, knew how to do it, and if I followed it to the “T”, I’d get everything done and keep everybody on schedule and keep everything afloat. It gave me purpose; it gave me identity; it defined me and my roles so clearly. With Jonathan around and able to help out, all of that got shaken up.
It’s so interesting that his full time presence and desire to help out around the house and with Maddie and the dogs is threatening to me in some way. And it’s interesting to me, as well, how resistant I am to this shift and to accepting his help.
So here I am, it’s July 2, and I now have to figure out a new schedule – one that takes into account and honors his schedule and plans for the summer. I have to find a new rhythm that balances Jonathan’s summer rhythm. I have to, in some ways, redefine myself and my roles. For this moment, however, I’m simply observing all the thoughts, feelings, and reactions to each situation as they arise. And, as I observe, I notice some of my reactions begin to soften and become more accepting, while others are still filled with reluctance and gripping.
If any of this at all resonates with you, I offer you this practice:
As always, I’m curious to hear about your experiences and of course your feedback. And, I invite you to share via email, phone, facebook any way that I can support you on your yoga and wellness journey –I’M ALL EARS
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